maybe it was a part of a plan (concho)

He never taught to young children. Sometimes to teenagers, sometimes adults, but when he began to teach art, he wasn't thinking about the youngers. Not that he doesn't like those tiny humans, but he was afraid he wouldn't know how to do with them. Children are so different than adults. The way they speak, the way they think. Also, some of his plays are quite dark and could be inappropriate for them. But after Luce, his daughter, Oscar became more and more attached to them. That's the reason why he had to accept that offer from this guy, Conchobáhr, who works with children with difficulties. And in the end, Oscar has to admit, he really likes it. They seems to really enjoy what he does with them, all the little games wich are usually just warm ups. After an hour, he leaves the children for them to play together and takes a break next to Conchobáhr, who is also all by himself. « I can understand now why you love to work so much with them, » he says while he looks at his group. Before being a dad, having a child was absolutely not is his plans. Oscar was so young, he just wanted to still be this stupid guy who were having fun by any way possible, like running naked on a beach. And now, after five years of parenting, he feels so different. More adult. And even if it's not always funny to be a grown-up, Oscar learnt to appreciate it. He loves being Luce's dad, watching her growing up, and he wouldn't change a thing even if he had the possibility. Emerging from his thoughts, he looks at the guy and smiled, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. « Do you have any child ? » he asks.

Since Ally left, without a word, without any explanation, I had been distant with everybody. My roomates, my best friends, the young teenagers who used to rely on me. Now I felt like I was relying on them. Relying on them to give me a reason to keep on going. Relying on them to give me hope, to make me believe that something better and bigger was waiting for me. I had put all my energy and all my love in this relationship and now … now there was nothing left for me to hold on to. At first I felt angry and disgusted, but now, as time was slowly passing by, I only felt empty. And I needed to remind me of what was important. Of what really mattered. This week was the reopening week of Head Ahead. The date was scheduled since at least a month ago, and I couldn’t convince myself to push it further away, even though I knew that I wasn’t in the right mind to teach some kids how to keep their head up high even in hard times. The truth is I couldn’t even do it myself, not right now. At least I had put together a bigger team this time to help me. I had always dreamed of including different horizons, different people and different arts in my project. This way, the kids could really recognize themselves through one art or another. Dance wasn’t for everybody and I knew that. That is the reason why I hired artists from various arts such as painting or acting. Tonight, the teens were meeting Oscar, a young drama teacher I met a while ago and seemed interested in the project. Watching from afar, I could tell that the kids were having a good time and that was good enough for me. When Oscar left them together to act and play and came to join me, I straightened up and smiled at him. « Yeah, they’re amazing aren’t they ? » I replied, glancing at them with a feeling of pride. When he asked me if I had any children, I turned my head to him and tried to hide the sadness in my eyes. A month ago, I would’ve said that I was planning on it. Now, I didn’t really know what God – or whatever or whomever – had planned for me. I shook my head. « No, no, not yet. I’d like to, someday, but … right now … right now I just don’t feel like it’s the right time for me, you know ? I've got a lot going on. » I shrugged my shoulders. « What about you ? » He was so good with them, maybe it came from him being a father. Or maybe he was just naturally good at it.

He would be able to watch those kids for hours, if he could. Them playing, laughing, just being happy. It warms his heart to see so much happiness in those children, acting like if there was nothing and nobody around them. Oscar really became like this after Luce. Even if he thought he would stay the same, it's obvious that he changed a little. He's more sensitive with that kind of stuff, more protective, and he's now always smiling when he sees a baby like if he was a pregnant woman. He nods after what Concho said. « Totally. » He doesn't really know why he asked to this guy he doesn't know well if he had children, the question just came in his mind like the following of their conversation. Oscar realised that having a kid made him look differently at others. Before, he found them annoying, quite noisy, without hating them either. But now, he's more lax, and he can easily tolerate a kid running around and screaming for no reason. Hopefully, Luce is a quiet little girl who likes to play with her toys and watching Harry Potter over and over again. But sometimes, she brings a friend at home, just for a few hours, and two kids are worst than just one. So, Conchobáhr doesn't have any child. Oscar nods again, then answers the question. « I can understand, having a child is a big changement in a life, and of course you need to be prepared. » He smiles a little, thinking about Luce. « And I was absolutely not prepared. I have a five years old girl named Luce. She came even if she wasn't planned, but no worries, she's a happy kid. » He looks at the group again, especially at a redhead one who wears a cute dress with flowers on it. « I know it's gonna sound weird, but this one, Judy, reminds me of a girl I met a few weeks ago. » He looks at Conchobáhr. « Her name was Ally, maybe you know her. Everybody seems to know everybody in this town. » If this Ally hadn't been such an interesting meeting to him, he certainly wouldn't talk about her. But Oscar is curious, and he really want to know more about her, even if she left. He doesn't know, he hasn't seen her since that time on the beach.

So Oscar had a little girl named Luce. As soon as I heard her name, I smiled, and even more when he told me she was a happy kid. « Oh, I have no doubt about that. » I said, sincerely. From the way he was acting with the kids just a little while ago, I could tell Luce had a great father. She was lucky. I didn’t have a lot of support growing up, and I always held a grudge against my father for being so absent. Even when my mother died, he wouldn’t take care of me. He said I was old enough to be on my own, that I didn’t have to be his problem now. Damn it, I was only a sixteen years old teen, heading nowhere in life. That damages a guy a lot, I can tell you. Anyway, I still turned out alright, I guess, but that was only out of luck. Then Oscar pointed at one of the girls, Judy, and told me she reminded him of a woman he met a few weeks ago. I glanced at him with curiosity, and when he looked back at me and told me her name was Ally, I froze. « Ally, you said ? » He nodded, or said yes, I don’t know. I was kind of in shock, I have to say. « Yes, I do know her, actually. » Oscar was right. Everybody knew everybody in this town, a little bit too much if you ask me. Anyway, back to Ally. If he saw her a few weeks ago, it could have been before she ran away from here, from me, from the life we were planning on building together. « I … ahem, … When did you last see her, exactly ? » I dared to ask. Maybe Oscar had all the answers I was looking for. Maybe they were all right in front of me.

It's a funny thing that happens when you have a child. He could just have said he had a daughter without telling her name, but Oscar loves to talk about his little princess so much that he just couldn't resist. He would be able to mention her for hours, everything she likes or everything she's able to do. It must be a parent thing, something that's driving you crazy about your child as you are in front of a puppy. And the fact that Concho doesn't have a doubt about her happiness warms his heart. At first, he remembers that he was so afraid to not being enough. He was afraid about droping her, or hurting her not on purpose. Even if he wants to, he doesn't talk about Luce anymore and look at this girl who reminds him of Ally, the girl on the beach. Apparently, Concho knows her judging by the way he's suddenly so serious, and so curious about how and when he met her. « It was a few weeks ago, more or less. It was, well, quite awkward. She just screamed on the beach and, as I was alone, I decided to ask her what was going on. » Oscar looks at the group of children, watching but without all his attention. He focus on what he's saying to Conchobáhr, trying to remember all the details to himself. « She talked about a journey, she kept saying that she had to find herself again. Did she leave ?» he asks, looking at the guy again. Maybe he knows her pretty well, or maybe not. Oscar was just curious about the red girl's fate.

Ally. The simple thought of her felt like a knife through my chest. I still couldn’t believe she’d dare to leave me behind. Leave all behind. Without even saying a proper goodbye. It seemed so selfish to me. That’s why, when Oscar mentioned her name, when he said he met her a few weeks ago, I tried to know a bit more about it. Maybe, just maybe, I could understand some of her reasons. It probably wouldn’t make it ok, but it could make it less painful. When he told me she was screaming on the beach the day he met her, I frowned. It wasn’t like her to behave like that. The Ally I knew was always so composed and in control. « She was screaming ? Like … like she was hurt ? » From the inside, I guessed. I just didn’t know why. Everything seemed to be going kind of fine. Of course we weren’t in the best place as a couple, these days, but nothing that could cause such pain. And she could have talked to me about it instead of losing her temper, all alone. That’s what bothered me most – the fact that she didn’t feel like she could talk to me. Oscar then told me about the journey she was talking about. How she had to find herself again. I sighed. « Yes, yes … She left. And she’s not coming back. » I said. « At least that’s what she told me on the phone before she broke off with me. » I added. I turned my head to him to see his reaction. « Did she say anything else ? Anything at all ? ‘Cause I still don’t understand why … why she did it. » It would probably be best to wait until the kids would go. I knew I’d probably get sad or angry, at myself and at her, and I didn’t want the teens to see me like that. Well, Oscar didn’t deserve to be the one to have to tell me about her either, but he was my only chance at understanding.

He knows pain. He knows how it feels to don't understand, to be left alone without any explanation. He was pratically in the same mood during that moment when he was in England, far away from Luce and her mother, far away from reality. He was alone because he didn't want to talk to anyone about his child, and he had this strange feeling that everything suddenly became different. He wasn't the same, and nobody wanted to know anything about his real life besides the funny part. He was just a silly boy, the one who was making everyone laugh, and the day after he became no one. He felt like he hadn't his place on earth anymore because his life changed by knowing he had a little girl, but he didn't feel like a father. And he was afraid, so afraid. Afraid of losing his life, his friends, his family. Then, by seeing this cute baby face, with her big eyes staring at him, he understood that Luce was now his entire world, and that he could survive to everyting else if he had her by his side. So, in fact, he understood Ally that day at the beach, and that's why he is now pretty sure she'll be back. « No, I don't think so. More like, you know, she was upset about something and she needed to... maybe punch someone in the face. » Maybe this joke isn't really appropriate. « But she had nothing to beat, so she just screamed where nobody could hear her. » After Concho's words, he understands that Ally was, in fact, really important to him. Oscar looks at him and can't help to feel sad for that guy. He gets it, now. Why he seems so curious about her, why he asks about all the details. If they were closer, Oscar would take him in his arms like he would do it for a friend, but he just stands at the same place. « I'm sorry, dude. » Then he looks away, trying to remember something else, but nothing comes in his mind. « No, we didn't talk a lot. » He now feels guilty. It's his fault if Conchobáhr is the one who is upset now, he brings all this sad memories to his mind even if he could just had shut his mouth. « I'm really sorry for what happened, and for being the guy who brings all this bad stuff while you're certainly trying to... feel better. But if you want, we could talk about someting more positive after work. Going somewhere, I don't know. » He quickly looks at him. « I'm not asking you for a date, I swear. »

Punch someone in the face … yeah, somehow it felt like it was all about me. Even though I knew that this wasn’t what Oscar meant at all, it sure felt like I was responsible for Ally’s suffering. I couldn’t really grasp why. Just as any other couple, we had our difficulties, but I didn’t see what I did that was so horrible that she would go and scream her lungs out. Leave the city. Hell, leave the country. My only mistake was loving her so freaking much that I now felt like an empty shell. « I see ... » Even though I didn’t, really. « But you heard her. You were there. » Where I wasn’t. I finally told Oscar that Ally was my girlfriend, well … used to be. Oscar suddenly seemed to feel bad. It wasn’t his fault at all, so when he apologized, I said : « Don’t sweat it. » ‘Cause he really didn’t have to. He didn’t have to be caught up in this story. This was between Ally and me, lost somewhere in the hundreds of kilometers separating us. Still, Oscar suggested that we go somewhere after work, to talk about something more positive. I felt like I needed to vent a little bit more about Ally, but that wasn’t positive at all. We’d see about that. I didn’t want to bore him with my wretchedness. When he assured me he wasn’t asking me on a date, I laughed. « Well now you’re breaking my heart. » I kept laughing, just to clarify that it was also a joke. « I’d like to, actually. Thanks. » I took a brief look at my watch. « Speaking of after work, it’s time to wrap things up. » I clapped my hands and went to meet the kids. « Alright guys, that’s it for tonight. I shall let you go home and become the great actors you were meant to be ! » We all talked a bit more, like we always did, and about fifteen minutes later, the teens were all gone. « Let me just close everything and then we’ll be ready to go. » Normally we’d be ready to roll, but I didn’t really feel like rolling tonight. Lolz.

A broken heart can hurt so much. He knows too well how it can bring you down, how it's hard to deal with it, and how people can react in so many different ways. Some of them want to be alone, others need to go out and see friends, or family. Oscar was in the second category when Nevaeh broke up six years ago. He can still remember how it was hard for him because he was so in love with this girl, with her smile or her silly sense of humor. But she was more attached to CJ than she was to him, even if they were happy and even if, for him, nothing could explain why she suddenly had to leave. He remembers the tears he was trying to keep, the feeling of emptiness, and his need of being alive again. That's why he proposes to Concho that they could go somewhere else, think about something else that's not Ally. His answer makes Oscar laugh. « Well, it can become one if you're able to impress me. » He smiles, happy to see Concho laugh even if he's certainly a little broken inside. He nods after he agrees spending time with him and, when he looks at his watch, Oscar suddenly comes back on earth. He almost forgot they were at work, with the children, even if the kids were quite noisy. Oscar waves at all of them when they leave, a big smile on his face. After that, he waits for his friend, if he can calls him like that, to be ready. « So, what do you want to do ? Going for a drink ? Or enough to be drunk and wanting to sing on the scene of a karaoke bar ? » He laughs again. « Or we can just go for a walk, like old ladies. You decide. » Oscar looks at him, curious. He doesn't know Concho good enough to know what he likes to do, and maybe he will laugh at all his propositions or look at him like if he was just a weirdo.

When Oscar said I had to impress him in order for it to became a date, I raised one eyebrow, looking at him with a smirk. « Don’t challenge me. At the end of the night you’ll be completely fond of me. » I laughed. It felt good not to worry too much. Maybe it’d be better to take it easy tonight, and not talk too much about Ally, even though I had so many questions to ask Oscar. He probably didn’t even have the answers anyway, since he told me she didn’t say much more than what he already told me. This conversation would lead nowhere but deeper down in the hole I was trying to crawl out of so hard. Getting to know him and saying stupid things like we were doing right now would be much better for my morale. When the time came, I said goodnight to the kids who had to get back home, even for those who didn’t really have a home. Not a warm and welcoming one anyway. There wasn’t much more for me to do about it than what I was already doing. I was playing the part I could play. I still had to respect their curfews. When each one of them were gone and everything was closed inside, Oscar asked me what I wanted to do. « Maybe we can do all of that at the same time. Well, if an outdoor karaoke bar with only you and me singing without any music or teleprompter sounds ok to you. » That’s when we would know if we could take this friendship to the other level – and by that I don’t mean any gay lover shit. Just an amazing bromance. We left Head Ahead and headed to our cars. « Let’s meet up at the west entrance of Horseshoe Bay. I’ll make one stop on my way and then I’ll be there. » I drove to a liquor store, bought two bottles that I hid into brown bags, and drove off to the meeting place. Oscar was already there. When I came out of the car, I proudly showed him the hidden bottles – it was much more obvious than I expected, but who cares ? « That way we can walk like old ladies AND get hammered at the same time. » The cars would probably still be parked there tomorrow morning.

He laughs, again. Seems like the two guys could become good friends after all. And even if Oscar would never feel something looking like love for Concho, he feels like we would be happy to count him as a friend. He already likes him, even if before today he barely knew him. Now, he's happy that he has the opportunity to talk a little more with him, even if it was about Ally. He has to say, he's quite excited about the idea he suggests, the "doing all in the same time". Sounds like good plans, talking and getting drunk like two old friends who just want to pause their lives. Oscar can already say that the evening will be good. He can see how Concho seems to be a nice guy by the way he's acting with the kids, and with all these little jokes that makes him laugh like a teenager girl. « I would love it ! » he says, a big smile on his face. He nods when Concho gives him the address, a place he learnt to know after five years spent in Bowen. Oscar goes in his car and drives to Horseshoe Bay. During the short travel, he puts on some music et begins to dance with his hands, his head, then practically all his body parts. Even if he has friends, he hasn't spend an evening like he had while he was a teenager since a long time. He was too busy with Luce, with his job, and all the guys he knows began to stop asking him for going out somewhere. That's why he's so excited about this last minute plan, and why he drives so fast on the road to be there as soon as possible. Once he's arrived, he doesn't have to wait too long before seeing Concho's car. Oscar smiles when he sees the bottles in the bags. « Sounds good to me, » he says while taking one of the bags before sniffing the inside to know what is in it. The smell is good, not like some of the alcohols that burn your nose when you dare to put it too close from the bottle. Oscar looks at the horizon. « I suppose I'll have to pay you the next drink. » His smile is innocent, his eyes stares at the sky, and he drinks his first swallow. « And I want my karaoke, » he adds before looking at him.

We met again at Horsheshoe Bay, after I stopped at the nearest liquor store to buy ourselves some strong stuff. Ah, if only the kids knew what we were up to after they left. Oh my god, I would probably lose my job if the parents learned about that, too. After all, I was supposed to be some kind of role model for them. And here I was, with the other teacher, drinking in a public place, singing our lungs out. Well, that didn’t happen yet, but it was only a matter of time. As soon as I got out of my car, I showed Oscar what I just bought, and saw a smile illuminating his face. « And wait ‘til you taste it. It won’t only sound good. Hell, it’s gonna taste better than Sweet Mother Teresa’s … you-know-what. » I couldn’t take about her intimate parts directly, she was a religious figure after all. Since I didn’t even know Oscar that well, I didn’t know if he could handle that kind of jokes from me. Or from anyone. He then said he’d probably have to buy me the next drink. « Well, I’m actually the one who needs to impress you tonight, so … I’d better buy you alcohol, flowers and chocolate, if I ever want this to become a real date. » I joked. If I continued to play dumb like that, Oscar might begin to believe I was actually serious. And I wasn’t, I swear. After all, I was still mourning my relationship with Ally. And I had no interest in Oscar’s peepee. We finally opened the two first bottles, each one of us holding one and drinking it up. « Of course you’ll have it ! I even think I have an app on my cellphone. ‘Cause, you know, this one be the first time. I’m kinda like the karaoke king. They call me Notorious Concho. » And it wasn’t so far from the truth. I used to go all the time with Zelda – and we still did, sometimes.

There is a big difference between Oscar the teacher and Oscar the friend. Even if he's more mature since he has Luce, he can be the type of guy who would absolutely not look like someone who is supposed to teach to students. Not as if he was a tough one, he rather likes being friendly with them than being the one who gets mad for just a whisper or anything else, but out of school time and when he doesn't have Luce, he likes to spend some quality times with a few of his old friends. Oscar knows how to have fun, even if the opportunites are now reduced. « Oh my god, » he answers in a laugh. « I totally know what. » He loves it. Learning about Concho, discovering such a nice and funny guy. It feels good, like a warm wave that makes him smile and laugh until his stomach aches. « Don't make promesses you can't keep, » he whispers with, at first, a really serious face before smiling again. Oscar isn't gay for sure, but he just loves playing those stupid games with girls, boys, pretending to be someone he is not. It's just for fun, and now that he can play the silly one with Concho, he won't stop himself. Bottle in hand, Oscar drinks and almost spit everything out of his mouth when he hears Concho's nickname. « And now, I freakin' want to meet this Notorious Concho. » But not now, not when they're sober. Oscar is a bad singer, he wouldn't want to loose his new friend after having ruined his favorite song. As he is walking, he puts his free hand in his pocket and look at Conchobáhr. « You know what ? I begin to ask myself why he didn't meet before. » He takes a sip, feeling the warmth of the alcohol in is throat. « Were you hiding somewhere these five past years ? »

None of us was actually ready to talk directly about Mother Teresa’s vagina, but we knew exactly what this was about, and it was even funnier that way. Oh Lord – no pun intended -, if my mom was hearing me right now, she’d be mortified. Perhaps she actually was listening to all the crazy things I said during the day, up there somewhere. Well at least she’d know that I was happy now, which wasn’t the case when she was alive, sadly. We’d been stuck for so long in that deep shit of hers, that we forgot all about happiness. And she obviously never managed to remember. I finally did. Anyway. Here I was with my new friend, at Horseshoe Bay with two bottles of Tanqueray and a head full of dreams for this night to remember. « Oh but I never talk out of my hat ! But you’re right, you’re right, talk is cheap so just give me time to show you. You’ll see. All these women, they won’t mean a thing after that. » I had no idea which women I was talking about, but a guy like Oscar probably had like a hundred waiting in line. And, just to be clear, I had absolutely no problem with that. I was just playing, nothing serious. As handsome and cool as he looked, I’d never be interested in someone from the same side as I was. We opened our bottles and started drinking under the moonlight, feet in the sand, talking about my rapper’s nickname. « Oh you’ll meet him alright ! He’s just warming up right now. » I said, pointing at my bottle of gin before I took a sip. We started to walk, not far from the water, and talked about our encounter. « Well actually, I’ve only been back to Bowen for … what, like … a year and a half now ? I was in Melbourne before that. So … yeah, this explains that. » Still, eighteen months should have been enough for people like us to run into each other, but it was better late than never. « So you’ve been here for five years, uh ? Where were you before that ? » I asked.

For once since a long time, he doesn't feel like an old school dad trying to fit between people of his age. Sometimes, he miss all these years he lost by being a father, then he remembers how awesome his baby girl is and he just can't be mad at her. She never asked to be born after all, but she's here now and Oscar wouldn't change a thing. But tonight, by walking on the beach with Concho, he feels young again. It's like he's twenty-one for the second time, living his first trip in Bowen, making friends easily and drinking while speaking without bothering about what time it could be. Again, he laughs. « I'm sure you won't disappoint me. » All the girls, yeah of course. Oscar isn't what we can call a womanizer, he stopped seing women for a moment and, after, he just forgot how to do with them. He became clumsy, awkward, he was just the funny friend who makes them laugh and who help them to find the right guy. Not him, of course. After hearing about Notorious Concho, Oscar nods before drinking in his bottle, excited about the meeting. Then Concho talks about when he came back to Bowen, explaining why he wasn't there to welcome him five years ago. « I never saw Melbourne, but it looks nice on Google. » 'Cause yeah, he checked every single city of Australia before coming, just in case he would like to visit one of them. « I was in England, that's where I come from. The first time I went to Australia was six years ago for my studies, then I made some mistakes because of a broken heart, a girl I tried to forget, because why make it easy when it can be so complicated ? » He laughs, takes a sip, without knowing why he's actually telling his story to Concho. « And nine months later, my daughter was waiting for me to come back here. » He looks at his drink. « I'm not drunk yet and I'm already talking about my life, what a good way to start an evening, » he says with a smile.